It’s here, unbelievably. My stint as a full-time stay-at-home mom is over and today I began the next chapter — the one where I’m a part-time working mom.
I really wasn’t sure what to expect from myself today. Last night felt like the night before the first day of school. I packed my lunch, picked out an outfit, made sure I had everything ready to go for the morning. I was nervous. Would it be hard for me to talk about Corban with my coworkers without missing him too much? Would I cry? Would I be able to fit right back in to my role at work? How would pumping go? Would Corban be OK drinking bottles all day?
Thankfully, it all went fine. I didn’t get overly emotional talking about Corban with my many dear coworkers as they welcomed me back. I kept busy catching up with people and emails and the like. I got into the lactation room and pumped twice without issue. Corban did fine. The overwhelming feeling I had all day at work wasn’t one of sadness or longing for my little boy. Instead, when I really stopped and thought about it, it was one of nostalgia.
The last time I sat at my desk was Corban’s birthday. It was a few weeks before Christmas, I was 36.5 weeks pregnant and I had no idea what was coming. Sitting back down there today, I felt the significance of four months’ time passed before my eyes.
These past (almost) four months have held so much – from utter elation after the birth of my son, to those terribly difficult yet incredibly sweet first few weeks of sleep deprivation and tiny cuddles. There have been road trips, visitors, holidays, days spent running around and days spent in my pajamas playing on the floor of the nursery. There have been times when I’ve wanted a break, but even more times when I’ve just wanted time to freeze. It’s been a sweet season of bonding with my little guy.
When I got home from work tonight, I nursed Corban, and then it was nearly bedtime. Peter went out to an event, I put C to bed and after a day spent feeling pretty darn good, I stood in our quiet house and teared up thinking about how little time I spent with Corban today. I felt off — familiarly tired after a day of work, but unfamiliarly emotional about what I had missed that day at home.
I’m confident this chapter of part-time work will bring a good balance to my life. But it’s also bringing an ending to that first chapter of my parenting story, the one where nothing matters aside from my little boy. I guess a few tears are appropriate on a day like today.